All Sports Commissioner: American Football

Thank you for joining me once again. I anticipate that my life-long term as All Sports Commissioner of the Known Universe will have many memorable days filled with parades and feasts in my honor. Although my previous press releases have been met with great enthusiasm, I imagine that many of those celebrations will be on the anniversary of the proclamations that I am going to make today regarding the most-watched sport in the United States, American football. Since fans are extremely passionate about both collegiate and professional football, I will be addressing both the NFL and the NCAA today.

These guidelines will be effective immediately in the National Football League:

Extra Point

• A single Point After Touchdown will be awarded to any team choosing to take the point. No more kicked extra point attempts. The 7^th point will be credited to the team’s kicker for fantasy football purposes.
• If a team wishes to go for two, they may choose to neglect the free PAT and attempt a two-point conversion according to current NFL rules.

Field of Play

• The digital first down line will be placed on the field and will be considered the official line to gain. I have a few ideas of how this could be accomplished:
  • Fiber-optic material should be included in the artificial turf. It could be activated by a linesman holding a stake to the ground on the sideline (much like the chain gang now).
  • Laser beam from a pole (similar to the chain poles they have now) on one side of the field to a similar receiving pole on the other. This system has the added benefit of being able to sense when it has been interrupted like the invisible lasers that stop the conveyor belt in the grocery store.
  • Disappearing spray paint like they use in the World Cup. An official could very quickly push a sprayer across the field after the ball has been spotted. This is clearly the most low-tech solution and could slow the pace of play, therefore, it should only be used if the first two solutions prove to be scientifically impossible.
• Ball tracking technology (a combination of GPS, stationary cameras, and the computer program used in tennis) should be used to indicate exactly where a ball is in relation to the goal line. An instant replay official should know with certainty if the ball is across the line while viewing every single frame of game footage. I’m envisioning an exact distance from the goal line displayed in the corner of the screen on every single frame. I would love to hear Ed Hochuli say “The ball carrier’s knee hit the ground when the ball was exactly 12.4 cm from the goal line. 3^rd”

These guidelines will be effective for NCAA football beginning with the 2015 season:

Playoffs

• The national championship will be determined in a 16 team tournament as seeded by an independent panel. I would like to see how satisfactory this year’s 4-team selection process is before deciding who will serve on that panel.
• Champions of all ten NCAA conferences will receive an automatic bid. The additional six teams will be selected by the panel.
• Round of 16 and round of 8 games will be played at the home field of the higher seed. The home team must make at least 15% of the total seats available to the visiting university. The final three games will be played at a neutral site with 30% of the total ticket sales being outsourced to each the two universities.
• Seeding of the tournament will be up to the sole discretion of the panel, however, only champions of the ACC, Big Ten, Big 12, PAC 12, and SEC must be seeded 1-5, guaranteeing them home field advantage.

Overtime

• If teams are tied at the end of regulation, they will play actual football to determine the winner, not backyard scrimmage from the 25.
• After a coin toss to determine possession and direction of play, a kickoff will start the overtime period. Play will continue for one 15 minute period.
• If the score is still tied at the end of one 15 minute overtime period, play will continue where it left off in sudden death fashion with the next team to score declared the winner.

Uniforms

• All NCAA football uniforms must fit the player properly. Shirts must be long enough to be tucked in and pants must expend below the knee.
• Under Armor will be banned from designing any uniforms after they have repeatedly made Maryland look like a clown at a box of crayons then threw up all over the Terrapins.

The following rules are effective immediately for football games at all levels:

Television Broadcasts

• Television broadcasts may not go to commercial after showing only a kickoff. Touchdown, commercial, kickoff, commercial may be the most annoying part of all sports. Networks may extend post-score commercial breaks by an additional minute to make up for lost revenue.

On-field Celebrations

• Following any touchdown signaled by the referee, the 40 second play clock will start. Excessive celebration will only be called if the celebrating players are not back to their bench area by the expiration of this time.
• Celebratory dances are encouraged for every player scoring a touchdown and required for any player weighing over 250 pounds.

30 Days of Thanks #26- There’s More to Life Than Football

Throughout the month of November I am writing about the first thing for which I am consciously thankful each day. I am doing this simply as a way to be more intentionally grateful. For more on this project, check out the first one or even last year’s 30 Days of Thanks.

I’m convinced that sports fans are defined as much by the teams we hate as the teams we love. Ask any Yankees or Red Sox fans how they feel about the other team. Ask any Redskins fan about the Cowboys or any Steelers fan about the Ravens. Ask anyone with a brain about Troy Aikman. Ask any fan of any team from any other conference about the SEC.

For those of you too dense to figure it out, here’s why the rest of the nation can’t stand you: YOU CLAIM EVERY SEC VICTORY AS YOUR OWN!!! If you’re an Alabama fan, you have a lot to be proud of lately, but I know most of you were were just as intolerably arrogant when Auburn, LSU, and Florida won titles. I’ve heard Tennessee fans claiming superiority. Something just seems wrong about that.

So yes, I’ll keep cheering for every BCS possibility that does not end with an SEC team hoisting the trophy…even if that means selling my soul to the Irish.

My wife knows about my intense dislike of the reigning champs and still chose to dress our youngest like this today:

Today, November 26, I am grateful that there are more important things in life than football. Otherwise, I might have disowned my own daughter for wearing hound’s-tooth.

30 Days of Thanks #5- A Busy Weekend

Throughout the month of November I am writing about the first thing for which I am consciously thankful each day. I am doing this simply as a way to be more intentionally grateful. For more on this project, check out the first one or even last year’s 30 Days of Thanks.

It’s a good thing this weekend contained an extra hour. Between the end of work on Friday and the beginning of work on Monday I helped Janet clean the house, moved a lot of heavy stuff at the church work day, watched Jack’s Upward game, helped Sammie with her science project, set up a projector to watch football on the side of Pastor’s house,

hung out with a bunch of guys eating and watching football, ranted about hating Les Miles only slightly less than Alabama, changed all the clocks in the house (I haven’t gotten to the van yet), led a Bible study group, had a family of four and two college students over for lunch, listened to missionary Andy Moore at church on Sunday night, had another family of four over for supper, packaged a bunch of cookies for GEICO, and still found time to watch Virginia win and the Giants lose.

Oh, yeah, I’m worn out. But every single one of those activities was done with people I really enjoy being around. I was encouraged by every single one of them. Sometimes the busiest weekends are the most refreshing. The next time I start complaining about having too much to do I will remember that…

Today, November 5, I am thankful for the opportunity to be involved in so much and for the chance to do it all with great friends.

Independence Day Campaign Promises

Now seems to be as good a time as ever to announce my candidacy for the Presidency. I am running on a very simple platform that we need to redefine the American image. This should start with Independence Day, and I would like to propose a few changes to the way we Americans do things. If elected I promise that…

• The National Anthem will only be sung by the crowd, not performed by a soloist. At ball games the announcer won’t say “Singing our nations National Anthem will be five-time Grammy award winner…” Instead, he will say “Please join in as we sing our National Anthem.”

We wouldn’t need that rule if we had these next two:

• Every citizen will know The Star Spangled Banner. No one should be allowed to receive a driver’s license without knowing every word in the first verse.

•  Butchering the timing or melody of the National Anthem will be a finable offense.

•  No one will complain about gas prices on the 4^th of July. Yeah, we get it. They go up this time of year. You’d think we would expect it by now.

•  Football will be given the title “America’s pastime.” I have nothing against baseball—it’s a good game, but it’s not the sport we are passionate about anymore, and we certainly aren’t gathering around the TV to watch it.

• We will hold elections to choose a new dessert to represent our country. “As American as apple pie” just doesn’t make sense to me, especially when the best apple pies are topped with streusel and French vanilla ice cream. I would suggest pecan pie, but then we would constantly have that pronunciation argument.

• Parades will have more stringent criteria for their acts. We need more drum lines and fewer old men driving go-karts. We need more bugle corps and fewer beauty queens in convertibles. We need more people throwing candy and fewer people throwing 10% off coupons.

• Uncle Sam will be updated. The haircut, facial hair, bow tie, puffy shirt, tailed coat, and striped pants all scream 19^th century. I’m thinking we should make him more like Captain America. Besides, I can’t be the only one who thinks that Colonel Sanders and Uncle Sam are actually the same guy.

• Fireworks will only be used by professionals. Last 4^th of July, on the 3 mile trip home from watching a professional fireworks display, I was passed by four ambulances heading in four separate directions. I would rather see our tax dollars paying police to arrest the morons before they blow themselves up than paying for emergency medical attention or firefighters to put out their mistakes.

My name is Jeff Postlewaite and I support this message.