Independence Day Campaign Promises
Now seems to be as good a time as ever to announce my candidacy for the Presidency. I am running on a very simple platform that we need to redefine the American image. This should start with Independence Day, and I would like to propose a few changes to the way we Americans do things. If elected I promise that…
- The National Anthem will only be sung by the crowd, not performed by a soloist. At ball games the announcer won’t say “Singing our nations National Anthem will be five-time Grammy award winner…” Instead, he will say “Please join in as we sing our National Anthem.”
We wouldn’t need that rule if we had these next two:
- Every citizen will know The Star Spangled Banner. No one should be allowed to receive a driver’s license without knowing every word in the first verse.
- Butchering the timing or melody of the National Anthem will be a finable offense.
- No one will complain about gas prices on the 4th of July. Yeah, we get it. They go up this time of year. You’d think we would expect it by now.
- Football will be given the title “America’s pastime.” I have nothing against baseball—it’s a good game, but it’s not the sport we are passionate about anymore, and we certainly aren’t gathering around the TV to watch it.
- We will hold elections to choose a new dessert to represent our country. “As American as apple pie” just doesn’t make sense to me, especially when the best apple pies are topped with streusel and French vanilla ice cream. I would suggest pecan pie, but then we would constantly have that pronunciation argument.
- Parades will have more stringent criteria for their acts. We need more drum lines and fewer old men driving go-karts. We need more bugle corps and fewer beauty queens in convertibles. We need more people throwing candy and fewer people throwing 10% off coupons.
- Uncle Sam will be updated. The haircut, facial hair, bow tie, puffy shirt, tailed coat, and striped pants all scream 19th century. I’m thinking we should make him more like Captain America. Besides, I can’t be the only one who thinks that Colonel Sanders and Uncle Sam are actually the same guy.
- Fireworks will only be used by professionals. Last 4th of July, on the 3 mile trip home from watching a professional fireworks display, I was passed by four ambulances heading in four separate directions. I would rather see our tax dollars paying police to arrest the morons before they blow themselves up than paying for emergency medical attention or firefighters to put out their mistakes.
My name is Jeff Postlewaite and I support this message.