Grinch List #15: Candy Canes

The last few Decembers I have made a Grinch List– things that I would steal from the holiday season if I could. This year I’m going to try to turn that list into something positive. Along with the reasons I am annoyed by each item, I will try to find a solution–an angle to adjust the way I feel about it in order to celebrate the season appropriately. I can’t promise I will change my mind about anything, but I can attempt to change my attitude.

 

When you give a child a candy cane, there are only four possible outcomes:

The candy becomes a weapon.
The child will lick the long end of the candy cane for approximately 7 hours until it is sharpened into a bayonet the likes of which were only seen at the North Pole during the great Elfin riot of 1827. This once-innocent peppermint stick is now capable of piercing the strongest Kevlar. An 8-second scan of Google did not reveal any reports of candy-cane related deaths, but I’m sure it is all a cover-up by the big candy manufacturers. Willie Wonka probably had all of the Oompa Loompa witnesses thrown into the chocolate river.

 
Everything within a 7-mile radius becomes sticky.
While others are pondering the possibility of snow on Christmas day, I am dreaming of a time when I pick up a TV remote and am able to put it back down…or stand up after I sit on the couch without some sort of solvent being involved…or walk across my laminate floors without leaving footprints…or wear a sweater without looking like I have been decorated for Christmas by a kindergarten art class.

 
The child becomes a walking bio-hazard.
How much saliva can a 35-pound child possibly contain? How is it possible that consuming one piece of curved candy could cause an expulsion of 48 gallons of germ-infested spittle? Every inch of her clothing will be drenched. You will hear sloshing as he walks. They should put a ShamWow in every box.

 
And worst of all, in their sugar-induced state of happiness…
The child will always want a hug.