My Grinch list
I’ve always admired the Grinch. First of all, every other green character I’ve ever seen is an outstanding example of intelligence and class. Kermit the frog, Yoda, I could go on… Actually I can’t. Those are the only two examples I can think of. Hmmm…I thought there would be more…
The Grinch had good reason to act the way he did. Obviously there was the cardiological problem associated with his undersized heart and the fact that the Whos really were way too cheerful. I mean they were annoyingly cheerful. I would willingly move to a longer line at Wal-Mart if I found myself behind someone as cheery as your average Who buying his yearly supply of roast beast. Besides, those Whoville beasts probably volunteered to be roasted. Ridiculously cheerful little twerps.
The Grinch’s most admirable characteristic was the way he made up his mind to do something and cooked up an unbelievably imaginative scheme to accomplish it. It was so imaginative that he pretended to be somebody imaginary! He used the Whos strength, their undying belief in Christmas, against them. The Grinch was a tremendous strategist.
I know a lot of people feel sympathy for the dog, but you shouldn’t. That powerful pup pulled a huge sleigh all the way up that steep incline. We should be admiring the strict diet and exercise regimen the Grinch obviously designed for him rather than saying he was cruel. The Grinch should be a spokesthing for PETA after training that dog and interrupting the beast roasting.
I also believe that the Grinch’s cause was worthy of our praise—he was removing all of the things he hated about Christmas from the holiday. If he had been at the World Cup, he would have owned every vuvuzela within earshot. Since the Whos were more obsessed with loud carols than tooting their own horn, the Grinch focused on ridding Christmas of its more obnoxious aspects. With the Grinch as my inspiration, here is my list of Christmas traditions to confiscate if I can ever think up a brilliant enough strategy. I’m calling it my Grinch List.
Egg Nog– I don’t hate egg nog, but I don’t love it either, and I definitely don’t understand why people go crazy over it this time of year. If a beverage isn’t good enough to drink in February, I’m not paying $12 for a quart of it in December.
Mistletoe– I’m not completely sure on all the details about where the kissing tradition came from, but I’m pretty sure the story starts this way: “There once was a very poor boy. In fact, he was so poor that he couldn’t afford chloroform…”
Hallmark Commercials– Does Hallmark still make movies? Or did they finally realize that they can squeeze the same number of tears out of a woman with a 60 second advertisement and sell just as many overpriced cards? I would like to shake the guy’s hand who came up with that marketing strategy…then give him a 5 second head start before I chase after him with a baseball bat.
The Open Hearts Collection– While we’re on the subject of bad commercials, have you seen Jane Seymour’s collection for Kay Jewelers? This is by far the most inappropriate jewelry I’ve ever seen. I can’t be the only one who thinks it looks…ummm…it looks like…uhhh…it’s just awkward.
This Year’s Song– Every year there is one song that gets played and played and played until you realize it will be in your head long after that guy down the street finally takes down his icicle lights. It’s always the most annoying song you can possible imagine. Past winners have included Santa Baby, All I Want for Christmas is You, Christmas Shoes, and Last Christmas. I will be raising funds to create Men in Black-style mind erasers if anything by Justin Beiber gets that much Christmas airtime.
Don’t look at me like I just shot Santa Claus. You know you have one, too. What’s on your Grinch list?