Grinch List #15: Candy Canes

Candy CanesThe last few Decembers I have made a Grinch List– things that I would steal from the holiday season if I could. This year I’m going to try to turn that list into something positive. Along with the reasons I am annoyed by each item, I will try to find a solution–an angle to adjust the way I feel about it in order to celebrate the season appropriately. I can’t promise I will change my mind about anything, but I can attempt to change my attitude.


When you give a child a candy cane, there are only four possible outcomes:

The candy becomes a weapon.
The child will lick the long end of the candy cane for approximately 7 hours until it is sharpened into a bayonet the likes of which were only seen at the North Pole during the great Elfin riot of 1827. This once-innocent peppermint stick is now capable of piercing the strongest Kevlar. An 8-second scan of Google did not reveal any reports of candy-cane related deaths, but I’m sure it is all a cover-up by the big candy manufacturers. Willie Wonka probably had all of the Oompa Loompa witnesses thrown into the chocolate river.

Everything within a 7-mile radius becomes sticky.
While others are pondering the possibility of snow on Christmas day, I am dreaming of a time when I pick up a TV remote and am able to put it back down…or stand up after I sit on the couch without some sort of solvent being involved…or walk across my laminate floors without leaving footprints…or wear a sweater without looking like I have been decorated for Christmas by a kindergarten art class.

The child becomes a walking bio-hazard.
How much saliva can a 35-pound child possibly contain? How is it possible that consuming one piece of curved candy could cause an expulsion of 48 gallons of germ-infested spittle? Every inch of her clothing will be drenched. You will hear sloshing as he walks. They should put a ShamWow in every box.

And worst of all, in their sugar-induced state of happiness…
The child will always want a hug.


About Jeff Postlewaite

high school principal since '07, father since '04, teacher since '03, husband since '03, sound tech since '96, UVA fan since '92, gadget junkie since '89, Christian since '88, Giants fan since '84, golfer since '83, brother since '83, human since '81

Posted on December 19, 2013, in Grinch List and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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