Grinch List #13: Strange Christmas Lyrics

Music NotesThe last few Decembers I have made a Grinch List– things that I would steal from the holiday season if I could. This year I’m going to try to turn that list into something positive. Along with the reasons I am annoyed by each item, I will try to find a solution–an angle to adjust the way I feel about it in order to celebrate the season appropriately. I can’t promise I will change my mind about anything, but I can attempt to change my attitude.

  • What about my wife’s 93-year-old grandma? Can’t she get a “Merry Christmas” too?
  • Is “mother’s child” the same as “momma’s boy”?
  • If the choir of children really did practice all year long, shouldn’t they know more lyrics than “Ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding”?
  • If Christmas time is here and it brings happiness and cheer, why are the Charlie Brown characters singing about it in a minor key?
  • What is the return policy on used hearts? If I still have one left over from last Christmas that I failed to give away the very next day, can I still return it? I have a receipt.
  • Is re-gifting hearts really that big of a deal? What if they are glowing because it is the most wonderful time of the year?
  • How long until Bob Costas gives this halftime speech?
    “Red-nosed reindeer” can’t possibly honor a heritage, or noble character trait, nor can it possibly be considered a neutral term. Isn’t it clear to see how offense “might” legitimately be taken?
  • If I don’t write Christmas cards can I be excused from dreaming for white Christmas?
  • Why don’t more December weddings have a snowman officiating? I imagine Parson Brown would welcome the break.
  • What are we conspiring about around the fire? Has the D.O.D. been informed of this activity?
  • Is Bob the horse? Does he know about the bells on his tail?
  • What happened between verse 1 and 2 that turned a delightful group of carolers wishing me a Merry Christmas into an angry mob demanding antiquated desserts?
  • Who thought it was a good idea to bring a little boy with a drum to see a newborn?
  • I need to get a gift for my true love. Does anyone have the number for a good fowler? Or at least a large dairy farm with laborers for rent?

Several comedians have done bits about Do You Hear What I Hear? so I’ll leave that one to the professionals.

What Christmas lyrics do you find ridiculous? Comment below.


About Jeff Postlewaite

high school principal since '07, father since '04, teacher since '03, husband since '03, sound tech since '96, UVA fan since '92, gadget junkie since '89, Christian since '88, Giants fan since '84, golfer since '83, brother since '83, human since '81

Posted on December 17, 2013, in Grinch List and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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