Grinch List #13: Strange Christmas Lyrics
The last few Decembers I have made a Grinch List– things that I would steal from the holiday season if I could. This year I’m going to try to turn that list into something positive. Along with the reasons I am annoyed by each item, I will try to find a solution–an angle to adjust the way I feel about it in order to celebrate the season appropriately. I can’t promise I will change my mind about anything, but I can attempt to change my attitude.
- What about my wife’s 93-year-old grandma? Can’t she get a “Merry Christmas” too?
- Is “mother’s child” the same as “momma’s boy”?
- If the choir of children really did practice all year long, shouldn’t they know more lyrics than “Ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding”?
- If Christmas time is here and it brings happiness and cheer, why are the Charlie Brown characters singing about it in a minor key?
- What is the return policy on used hearts? If I still have one left over from last Christmas that I failed to give away the very next day, can I still return it? I have a receipt.
- Is re-gifting hearts really that big of a deal? What if they are glowing because it is the most wonderful time of the year?
- How long until Bob Costas gives this halftime speech?
“Red-nosed reindeer” can’t possibly honor a heritage, or noble character trait, nor can it possibly be considered a neutral term. Isn’t it clear to see how offense “might” legitimately be taken?
- If I don’t write Christmas cards can I be excused from dreaming for white Christmas?
- Why don’t more December weddings have a snowman officiating? I imagine Parson Brown would welcome the break.
- What are we conspiring about around the fire? Has the D.O.D. been informed of this activity?
- Is Bob the horse? Does he know about the bells on his tail?
- What happened between verse 1 and 2 that turned a delightful group of carolers wishing me a Merry Christmas into an angry mob demanding antiquated desserts?
- Who thought it was a good idea to bring a little boy with a drum to see a newborn?
- I need to get a gift for my true love. Does anyone have the number for a good fowler? Or at least a large dairy farm with laborers for rent?
Several comedians have done bits about Do You Hear What I Hear? so I’ll leave that one to the professionals.
What Christmas lyrics do you find ridiculous? Comment below.