Olympics Day Zero: The Opening Ceremony
There are very few reasons that we ever allow our kids to stay up past their normal 9:00 bed time. Okay, that’s not entirely true…or even true at all. This week we have already missed that mark three times. On Sunday we hung out at church until 9:30. On Tuesday we stayed at Busch Gardens until the park closed at 10:00 and didn’t get home until midnight. Last night was a two-hour edition of Wipe Out that started at 8:00. I’m pretty sure the Geneva Convention has something in it about depriving children of the pleasure of seeing people getting flipped upside down and falling 15 feet into icy water.
Tonight will be the fourth occasion because the Olympic Summer Games opening ceremony will be airing at 7:30 EDT. I have no clue how long my kids will be able to endure the sanctimonious, snail-paced circling of the track by world-class athletes they have never heard of, but it’s a safe bet to say it will be past 9:00 when they finally realize that the opening ceremony is mostly a snooze-fest.
In the interest of entertainment value for the 4 billion people who will be watching tonight, and realizing that I am fresh off a two-hour Wipe Out episode, here are a few things that I am hoping to see at the opening ceremony tonight:
- An athlete trip. It would be even better if the Olympians from one nation decided to play a real-life game of Mario Kart and drop banana peels for the following nation to slip on.
- A torch-related mishap. It could be as simple as a fumbled handoff or the flame going out halfway around the track but I’m really hoping for 2nd degree burns.
- A rogue animal. Someone thought it would be a good idea to include live animals in the show tonight (70 sheep, 12 horses, 10 chickens, and 9 geese). I’m sure there will be a clean-up crew close by but I’m really hoping some sheep get loose. Could you imagine the Three Stooges-style scene of Olympic sprinters chasing barnyard animals through the stadium?
- Forgotten lyrics. Tonight there will be dozens of speeches and songs. I want to see someone “Watermelon, watermelon” their way through a chorus. If it’s Paul McCartney will we chalk it up to old age or drug use?
- A flip phone. You will see countless iPhones tonight in the muscular grip of Olympians capturing their memories. I want to see one of them, perhaps an archer from Sri Lanka or a rhythmic gymnast from the Ukraine, pull out an LG VX6300 and start snapping 1.3 megapixel photos.
The sad part is that London is six hours ahead of the right coast of the United States so we will be watching the opening ceremony on a three and a half hour tape delay. Even if any of the above actually occur, it is unlikely we will ever see it…until someone in England posts it on YouTube. We’re counting on you, gov’ner.
What are you hoping to see at the opening ceremony?