Man Up and Be a Manly Man, Man
Yelling that at someone is a little more effective when your voice doesn’t crack on the last word. It’s a little more effective when you are taller than your 5’3” mom. It’s a little more effective when you know how to use a razor. It’s a little more effective when the waitress hasn’t just handed you a kid’s menu.
That was me when I was 13. I turned thirty this past September and I still haven’t stopped trying to pretend I am tougher than I really am. I still think I have something to prove. For some reason I still think that someone is going to take away my Man Card if I don’t live up to some ridiculous expectations of manliness (which should definitely be spelled with a y rather than that sissy i).
Here are a few things I am going to stop pretending I know more about than I actually do:
Grilling- Ok, I admit it. I can’t ever figure out how much lighter fluid is the right amount or how long you should actually wait before throwing some form of red meat over the charcoals. Wow, it feels good to get that off my chest. While I’m confessing, yeah, I’ve Googled it.
Wings- I like wings. I really like wings. But I’ve got to confess that I have severely over-played my love for sauce-covered fried chicken parts because wings are considered a manly food. The implied spiciness, the meat still on a bone, the association with football, and the risk of salmonella from undercooked chicken…buffalo wings have it all. You even get to talk down girly foods like celery while eating. I’m convinced that the celery is served alongside a plate of wings just to make the wings look even manlier in comparison—the way Apple used a guy with huge hands to make their iPhone look smaller.
Guns- Here’s a good way to pretend you know a lot about a subject that you know very little about. Stick to the one thing you actually understand. For me and weaponry this is what I’ve learned by playing the old 007 games on Play Station. Here’s how that goes…
Friend: I just got a new CheyTac Intervention m200! (or any other gun that I wouldn’t know even existed had I not just Googled “best gun in the world”)
Me: Wow, that sounds great! That reminds me, did you see that thing on the news the other day where the guys broke into the liquor store with a PK7, an assault rifle, an SMG 45 sub machine gun, and a GL 40 grenade launcher? Crazy stuff!
Cars- I gave up pretending I knew anything about cars a long time ago, but I still find myself diagnosing my own mechanical problems like I have any sort of clue. “Yeah, the check engine light was on but I’m pretty sure it’s just the ignition coil misfiring because I have a faulty O2 sensor in the fourth cylinder of the radiator hose vacuum…either that or the flux capacitor.”
Mixed Martial Arts- I like to see someone get beat up as much as the next guy (unless, of course, that next guy is Chuck Norris, but I think it’s a pretty safe assumption that we are pretty far apart on the guy scale), but I have never gotten into mixed martial arts. I find myself contributing to a lot of conversations with “Oh, man, UFC 138 was last night! I completely missed it.” or “Hey, what happened to Kimbo Slice?” or “I saw this one clip on YouTube where…”
A few questions for you:
- Men, what do you know very little about but pretend to in order to look manlier?
- Ladies, is there a female equivalent of this?
- Men, why don’t we ever call out a guy who is doing this?