The 12 Gifts of Christmas, #3- Santa Claus

On each of the twelve days leading up to Christmas*, I am giving a gift** to someone*** who really deserves it. This must be how Oprah**** feels.

We don’t leave Santa milk and cookies. I have it on good authority that St. Nick can’t stand warm milk so we leave a note instructing him to look in the refrigerator for a cold can of Vanilla Coke. I’ve also heard rumors that, at least when he enters our house, he prefers iced cinnamon buns to chocolate chip cookies. I mean 800 more calories late at night never hurt anybody.

Okay. I’ve just been informed that one third of all deaths in the United States are related to poor diets and a lack of physical activity. I guess it does hurt some people, sorry about that. But Santa isn’t American and the guy is 1,741 years old so he’s used to beating the odds on death.

You can tell a lot about a family by how they treat Santa Claus. There are two main groups, believers and unbelievers, but why people fall into these categories and the extent to which they take their tradition is much more interesting:

Types of Unbelievers:
Satan Clauser- “I’m not teaching my kids anything that takes away from the real meaning of Christmas. Now excuse me while I mail off a check to the AFA and then boycott every major store in America.”
Deceptiphob- “I’m not going to lie to my kids. When they find out I wasn’t being honest about Santa they will doubt everything I say.”
Attention Debtor- “I don’t want my kids thinking some goofy guy in a red suit brought them those toys. They need to know that I sacrificed to get them those presents.”
Psychobabbler- “It can be devastating to a kid to find out Santa isn’t real so why go down that path at all? Reality hits you hard, bro.”

Types of Believers:
Takin’ it to the grave- “I can’t believe you would even insinuate to a group of kids that Santa isn’t real. You could break their hearts!” I wish I was joking when I say that I have heard a parent get upset when someone told their 7th grader the truth.
The Bard- “Santa is just like any other fairy tale and we can learn some valuable lessons from him. They’ll figure it out soon enough.”
Hypocristmas- I’ve got to confess this is the category I fit into. We talk about Santa at our house. We go see him in the mall, but we never act like he is real. I’ve never told my kid’s that Santa isn’t real. In fact, I’ve told them he is real many, many times, but they don’t believe it because I go Christmas shopping and always know what’s in their presents before they open them. I talk the talk, but am not committed enough to sell the story.

As a way of apologizing for not doing justice to your propaganda, I am giving you a gift today, Santa. Here’s a set of the new P90X2 workout DVDs. I wouldn’t want you to be part of a statistic on obesity. I’ll just leave it by your cinnamon bun because the odds of me spending $120 on it are about the same as you showing up.

*Not the twelve days of Christmas, we’ve been over this already.
**In reality no gifts will be given. This is a hypothetical sort of thing designed to increase traffic on this website.
***Contest open to legal residents of planet earth and 18 or older to win unless I decide to give a gift to a minor or extraterrestrial. No purchase necessary, although purchases will definitely increase chances of winning. Some restrictions apply, like the fact that there is not an actual prize.
****Oprah Winfrey does not necessarily endorse this blog or the contents therein although I’m sure she would enjoy it. Oprah, if you’re reading, an endorsement would be appreciated…and a new car.


About Jeff Postlewaite

high school principal since '07, father since '04, teacher since '03, husband since '03, sound tech since '96, UVA fan since '92, gadget junkie since '89, Christian since '88, Giants fan since '84, golfer since '83, brother since '83, human since '81

Posted on December 16, 2011, in 12 Gifts for Christmas and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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