The 12 Gifts of Christmas, #1- my Mail Carrier

I’ve always thought the twelve days of Christmas were the twelve days leading up to Christmas. That would make today, December 14, the first day of Christmas. After a little bit of research, I found out that I was wrong.

Editor’s Note: Whenever a blogger writes that he “did a little research” this means that he wrote something, realized it may not be entirely true, then skimmed a Wikipedia article.

The twelve days of Christmas actually begin on Christmas Day and extend two days shy of a fortnight after that. These twelve days were originally a time of feasting and gift-giving, but my only experience with the tradition is trying to remember if “lords-a-leaping” comes before “ladies dancing.”

Editor’s Note: Anytime a blogger uses the term fortnight, he is attempting to sound more intelligent than he actually is. This perception of intelligence is usually short-lived as there will often be an outdated pop culture reference in the following sentence.

This new found knowledge is really messing up my plans because I was hoping to do a series of posts on the twelve days leading up to Christmas called Twelve Gifts for the Twelve Days of Christmas. If you know me or have ever read my blog, you know that I won’t let facts get in the way of a good story so I’m going to go ahead and do the series anyway with a slight modification to the title:

The 12 Gifts of Christmas, #1- my Mail Carrier

On each of the twelve days leading up to Christmas*, I am giving a gift** to someone*** who really deserves it. This must be how Oprah**** feels.

Everyone on our road still has a mailbox on the house right beside the front door. For some reason the United States Postal Service has never required that we put mail boxes on the street. I’m not sure how we’re getting away with this, but every day the mail carrier (remember when we used to be politically incorrect and say “mailman”?) parks his (this isn’t politically incorrect as our mail carrier actually is a he) truck at the end of the street, grabs a bag full of mail, and walks from house to house. While it is unbelievably convenient for us to be able to lazily reach out of our front door rather than walk 30 feet to the end of the driveway, I’m sure it is a pain in the neck feet for him.

This time of year must be awful. With all of the sale papers, credit card bills, and occasional Christmas cards, I bet that bag is heavy. On top of the added weight, the weather is getting cold and, even though postal workers have some pretty sweet jackets, I know he would rather be in his warm truck handing mail out of what should be the passenger side window. I feel that our mail carrier needs an extra bit of Christmas spirit this month so he will be my first recipient.

THE GIFT- Nope, I’m not going to put a mailbox on the street so he can stay in his truck (I think you over-estimated my generosity and under-estimated my laziness). I think he could use some Dr. Scholl’s Massaging Gel Insoles. Now he can be gellin’ not swellin’. Here you go, mail carrier, these are for you**:

*Not the twelve days of Christmas, we’ve been over this already.
**In reality no gifts will be given. This is a hypothetical sort of thing designed to increase traffic on this website.
***Contest open to legal residents of planet earth and 18 or older to win unless I decide to give a gift to a minor or extraterrestrial. No purchase necessary, although purchases will definitely increase chances of winning. Some restrictions apply, like the fact that there is not an actual prize.
****Oprah Winfrey does not necessarily endorse this blog or the contents therein although I’m sure she would enjoy it. Oprah, if you’re reading, an endorsement would be appreciated…and a new car.

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About Jeff Postlewaite

high school principal since '07, father since '04, teacher since '03, husband since '03, sound tech since '96, UVA fan since '92, gadget junkie since '89, Christian since '88, Giants fan since '84, golfer since '83, brother since '83, human since '81

Posted on December 14, 2011, in 12 Gifts for Christmas and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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