As I walked into our church’s evening service yesterday, I was in a serious funk because Matthew Stafford, my fantasy team’s fearless leader, played like John Kitna. And wouldn’t you know it, the Pastor’s text was 1 Peter 5:8 comparing Satan to a roaring lion. Yeah, maybe I should have drafted Lucifer…that Lion had to be better than the one I started yesterday.
Now that’s a bad place to be—wishing the lord of darkness were on your fantasy squad. Maybe if I had heeded the Biblical advice to flee from the Lion, I wouldn’t have gotten myself into that predicament in the first place. Although the Bible doesn’t speak specifically about PPR strategy or handcuffing injury-prone RBs, there probably is some good advice about routine sit/start calls. So here it is, with only a little more ado, the Biblical Guide to Fantasy Football (BGFF).
How to use the BGFF. Each NFL team that is mentioned in the KJV, ESV, NIV, or NASB versions of the Bible is listed below. If you can’t decide which player to start on your fantasy team, consult the BGFF and decide by determining which team the Bible paints in the best light. Some of the teams are mentioned both negatively and positively, so I have listed only the most negative and most positive mention of each team.
I’ll give you the AFC today, the NFC will come soon (assuming I don’t get shunned by all of my friends and family for being too sacrilegious).
Take your bill and make it eight hundred –Luke 16:7 (NIV)
Possible Fantasy Football Application- Apparently you should start every Bill you can…up to 800.
Unmentioned: Jets, Patriots, Dolphins
I will pass through all thy flock to day, removing from thence all the speckled and spotted cattle, and all the brown cattle among the sheep –Genesis 30:32 (KJV)
Possible Fantasy Football Application- If you need the Scriptures to tell you to remove all Browns from your fantasy football lineup, you probably shouldn’t be playing this game.
He teacheth my hands to war; so that a bow of steel is broken by mine arms. -2Samuel 22:35 (KJV)
He shall flee from the iron weapon, and the bow of steel shall strike him through. –Job 20:24 (KJV)
Possible Fantasy Football Application- I’m getting mixed signals here, will the Steelers hurt others or will they be broken? You need more than a prophetic book to figure out this team.
He giveth to the beast his food, and to the young ravens which cry. –Psalm 147:9 (KJV)
And the ravens brought him bread and meat in the morning -1 Kings 17:6 (ESV)
Possible Fantasy Football Application- You might go for the gimme with Elijah getting fed by the black birds, but don’t start a young Raven…John Harbaugh’s rookies will weep.
Unmentioned: Bengals (not even “tigers”, can you believe it?)
Some of the bystanders were saying to them, “What are you doing, untying the colt?” –Mark 11:5 (NASB)
He will tether his donkey to a vine, his colt to the choicest branch –Genesis 49:11 (NIV)
Possible Fantasy Football Application- The play will be completely misunderstood by others, but the Colt might be the choicest you have on the bench.
Unmentioned: Texans, Jaguars, Titans
the horse and his rider hath he thrown into the sea –Exodus 15:1 (KJV)
“Go at once,” the king commanded Haman. “Get the robe and the horse and do just as you have suggested -Esther 6:10 (NIV)
Possible Fantasy Football Application- I’d say never start anyone on the Broncos as the most positive statement about a horse is being made by a pagan king.
I chose out their way, and sat chief –Job 29:25 (KJV)
From each tribe of their fathers you shall send a man, every one a chief among them –Numbers 13:2 (ESV)
Possible Fantasy Football Application- It doesn’t get any clearer than this. Sit the Chief even if everyone else is playing one.
And his head was brought in a charger –Matthew 14:11 (KJV)
Possible Fantasy Football Application- I have no clue how to apply this one. I’m pretty sure a team that decapitates opponents would be tough, but one that just carries around disembodied heads?
Even the garrison and the raiders trembled -1 Samuel 14:5 (NASB)
Gad will be attacked by a band of raiders –Genesis 49:19 (NIV)
Possible Interpretation- I’m pretty sure trembling Raiders are a no-go unless they are playing Gad.