One thing is for sure, I wouldn’t let my kids hang out with this Frosty guy. He is obviously a horrible influence. Have you ever noticed that he’s always walking around with that corn cob pipe? Every day 3,450 American kids smoke their first cigarette and it’s likely that at least a couple of those death sticks are handed out by the frozen one.
Have you ever noticed his blatant disrespect for the law? He has been known to roam the streets of town with his gang and has refused to stop even when being ordered to by officers of the law. The guy has an excuse for everything! He lives only for today and is all the time talking about having fun “before I melt away.” He’s not the kind of influence I want my kids around.
But it is Christmastime and I am supposed to be giving gifts, so I feel obligated to help the guy out. Besides, Frosty has to be the most unlucky guy in the world. Sure he found a magic hat capable of bringing a lump of snow, a couple pieces of coal, and a button to life, but you’d think a hat powerful enough to animate a snowman wouldn’t have a problem keeping him refrigerated. They just don’t make silk hats like they used to.
Frosty, I’d like to give you a real magic hat like that talking one from Harry Potter, but this is a conditional gift. You quit smoking first and start obeying the law. We can’t have cold-hearted people like you influencing our kids.
*Not the twelve days of Christmas, we’ve been over this already.
**In reality no gifts will be given. This is a hypothetical sort of thing designed to increase traffic on this website.
***Contest open to legal residents of planet earth and 18 or older to win unless I decide to give a gift to a minor or extraterrestrial. No purchase necessary, although purchases will definitely increase chances of winning. Some restrictions apply, like the fact that there is not an actual prize.
****Oprah Winfrey does not necessarily endorse this blog or the contents therein although I’m sure she would enjoy it. Oprah, if you’re reading, an endorsement would be appreciated…and a new car.